I went to the doctor again today. One of my incisions was draining (medical term, not mine). Last night I was dressing for bed and something rolled down my belly - I looked down to see a yellowish, brownish, reddish goop sliding out of my belly button. Disgusting! Sorry for the details, just wanted you to understand why I decided to call the doctor this morning. She had me come in this afternoon. She gave me some antibiotics, but doesn't think it's a real infection - just wants to prevent it from becoming one. I also had another blood draw to test the hcg levels. She suspects they'll be 0. We'll see.
I got the chance to discuss with her about the surgery a little more. She also shared with me all of the pathology reports from the "stuff" they found during the surgery. The cyst was quite large - 5 cm (or maybe it was mm - either way, quite large). It was benign. All the tissue they removed was benign. (For those of you who sometimes forget - like I do - benign means not cancerous). Because there was so little pregnancy tissue, the rupture of the tube did not cause the bleeding and pain in my pelvis. The rupturing of the cyst did. She said she tried really hard to save the ovary, but the cyst had really done a number on it.
So, now that I've dwelt on the surgery a little more, I'm left thinking about what I can learn about God from all of this. I don't mean to say that I think God did this to me to teach me something, but I do think he is giving me an opportunity to draw closer to him and learn more about who he is through this.
Over the summer, before I even knew I was pregnant, I read the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. The loss of her child was a much different experience from mine, but I suppose I can still relate to some things she wrote about. Even before I began this journey there was something that I wanted to take away from the book and store away and cherish in my heart. During an ultrasound appointment when she found out that the baby girl she was carrying was not developing normally and was not expected to live, someone asked her what she was thinking. And, since I don't have the book here at the house anymore, I am paraphrasing her response - but, she said something along the lines of, "My God is the same now as he was 5 minutes ago."
It's true. Just because my life has now changed dramatically, and some sad and scary things have happened, doesn't mean that my God has changed in the least. He loves me just the same now as he did before all of this happened. He's full of grace and mercy no matter what is going on. He's all powerful even when I feel powerless.
All I know for now (and trust me, this is something I will think about for a long time), is that God loves me. My purpose in life is to bring glory to God always. End of story. And I don't just know I have to bring glory to God, I want to, desperately.
So, I'm trying to use what has happened to us to draw closer to him, to open my heart that much more and listen and wait for his leading. What's next from here? He doesn't intend to leave me here, he has more in store for me. He has more ways for me to enjoy life while bringing glory to him.
We serve an awesome God!
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