Motherhood: From My Perspective

Diaper Bag Love

2011-09-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

Can you be in love with a diaper bag? Well, I am! I always said that if we had another baby I was going to get a Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag. Once the time came I was a little hesitant because the diaper bag I still use on occasion for Jonas is still in good shape, and Petunia Pickle Bottom bags are just so expensive!

I started shopping around and found the Sashay Satchel in Blissful Buttercup and felt the strong desire to get it! But it sells for $119 everywhere, no exceptions. Even though we haven't made a single big purchase for this baby (haven't needed to), could I really splurge on this bag?

I did it. I splurged. Sort of. I decided to check eBay one day and found a lady who was selling this very diaper bag because she had received two as gifts! I put the auction on my watch list and 10 minutes before it was scheduled to end I put in a bid $1 higher than the highest and WON! (Sorry to the other two eBayers who had been bidding back and forth for days, I just know how to win I guess). So, I ended up getting the back for $50 below retail! Still a little pricey, but happy birthday to me I guess.

I allowed myself to use it once when it came in, but now it's in the closet waiting for the new babe's arrival (in about 6 weeks). I think I looked pretty good walking around with my diaper bag. :) It functioned very well too. I'll have to give a more detailed review once it's stuffed full of actual baby stuff.

Here's my bag!

It can be used as a backpack too, but I think it's much cuter carried over the shoulder!

32 Week Doctor Visit

2011-09-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 32 week visit, and the beginning of my every 2 weeks visits, with my doctor. As usual, there are some good things and some bad things about appointments. My current complaint, she ALWAYS has a medical student. The first time she had one and they asked if it was okay for them to shadow her with my appointment I said yes. I figured that everyone has to learn at some point in order to become a good doctor. At that point I didn't think that there would be a medical student there every time I came in for the next 9 months! And now that I've said yes so many times, how do I say no? Uggh. It just makes every appointment take longer because they come in and measure my belly, listen to the heart rate and ask me questions, then the doctor comes in and does the same thing all over again. Oh well, only 2 more months, right?

The good thing about yesterday? I got the answer I wanted to a question a didn't really want to ask. :) My dear, dear mother is coming the week of my due date with the hopes that she can be here when the babe comes so that she can stay home with Jonas. While so many people are willing to take care of him for us, it sure would be nice if he could stay in his own bed and be in his own home. But how do we know that it'll work out? Also, the closer we get to this birth, the more we feel like we'd really like to have my doctor there for it. If, IF there were to be any complications during the delivery, it would just be nice to have someone there that I've already had so much medical experience with.

So, I asked her if we could induce sometime that week when she would be on call (if I hadn't gone into labor on my own first). I cringed as I asked ... I know that a lot of doctors don't like this question ... I also know a lot of people would disagree with my decision, but after having the ectopic pregnancy, I don't care what other people think. I am going to do what I believe is going to provide the best birth environment for me and the baby and having my doctor there seems like the best way to do that. And alas, what was her reaction going to be?? Much to my surprise, she smiled and said, "Sure, I'd love to be able to deliver your baby!" Wasn't expecting that! She said we'd see whether the baby came by 39 weeks yet, and if it didn't we'd coordinate the induction for the next time she was on call at the hospital. I was so excited and so relieved!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate my doctor and how lucky I feel that she wanted to take me on as a patient last year. She doesn't see that many patients and I am glad I was able to get my foot in the door.

One less thing to worry about as November 11 approaches. :)

Perspective

2011-09-17T15:34:00.000-07:00

After another night of pain, restlessness, and very little sleep I am trying to keep things in perspective. A year ago today Nate and I spent a day in the hospital that ended with the surgical removal of my tube and ovary after the rupture of an ectopic pregnancy. A year ago today we were amidst a very trying time - having just endured a surgery and still dealing the fact that we had lost our baby. We were wondering if we would ever have the chance to have another baby - if I got pregnant, would it be ectopic again?

It felt like it took an eternity to get pregnant (really it only took 3 months from the time we were given the thumbs up from the doc to try). It felt like it took an eternity to get the results from the blood test to confirm the pregnancy. It felt like it took forever to reach that 6 week point when we could get an ultrasound to confirm the location of the baby (especially when lots of severe abdominal pain landed us in the hospital again). Yet, here we are today. Less than 2 months away from welcoming another child into our lives.

I remember back to the first trimester when I was exhausted, naseous, and continually worried. I remember about half way through the second trimester when I started to finally feel well. I am remembering how a few days ago the third trimester started getting more difficult. I feel pretty well during the day (aside from this new insatiable hunger I am experiencing), but the nights have been really difficult. I cannot get comfortable and am probably getting about 5 hours of sleep a night between not being able to get comfortable and having to get up to pee. The last couple of nights have gotten worse. I've gone from discomfort to constant pain - just while trying to sleep of course. Last night was the worst. I woke up every hour with pain in my hips, my back, my belly. NOTHING helped - except getting out of bed in the morning.

I'm frustrated and found myself in tears several times last night. But this morning I remembered where we were a year ago. How can I complain about sleepless nights when God has blessed us with this promise of great joy? I am sure that I will complain - if you don't hear me, just ask Nate. I am going to do my best to remember that we have less than 2 months until this wiggling life in my belly becomes a wiggling life in my arms. I am going to do my best to choose not to complain - it doesn't change anything anyway.

Birth Plan

2011-09-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

It's getting to be that time, time to either think about what my preferences for the birth of this baby are, or to put it off a little longer. I thought about it and I typed something up.

I didn't have any preferences written for the birth of my son and I know now that I should have. Neither my husband nor myself is very confrontational - in fact, we're so UNconfrontational that we find it difficult to question people we look to as "experts." So, writing preferences down ahead of time seems like a good way to avoid a situation where we feel pressured to accept what the hospital staff is telling us to do. Also, when Jonas was born my husband had been up sick ALL NIGHT the night before my water broke and was still quite under the weather throughout our time at the hospital. He wasn't a whole lot of help - not that I can blame him for that! So, God forbid that should happen again, having my preferences written down helps advocate for me if my husband can't.

My birth story with Jonas isn't terrible, I just think it could have gone better. With that experience in my past and friends' stories, I decided it couldn't hurt to have a birth plan this time around.

Without further ado, here is my birth plan - well, preferences really. Do you think I missed anything important?

Birth Preferences

Rebecca Triemstra

Due Date: 11/11/11

Doctor: Dr. ChristinaBennett-Stewart

Attendants

I’d like my husband, Nate to be present throughout labor anddelivery.

My mother, Pam, may also be present at times during labor.

Hospital Admission & Procedures

I’d like the option of returning home if I’m not in activelabor.

Once Admitted, I’d like to:

-try to stay hydrated by drinking clear fluids instead of having an IV; I amwilling

to have a heparin block should the need for an IV arise

-walk and move around

Interventions

As long as the baby and I are doing fine, I’d like to:

-have intermittent rather than continuous fetal monitoring

-avoid internal fetal monitoring unless is the baby is really in distress

-be allowed to progress without stringent time limits

*including in the case of my water breaking before labor

-have labor augmented only if absolutely necessary and have all options

discussed with me before Pitocin is administered

Pain Relief

I’d like to try the following pain-management techniques:

-massage

-shower

-medication

*I would like to try to labor medication free, but I am not opposed to

using it if necessary. I will ask for it if I need it.

*Please let me know when I have progressed enough to get an epidural

and please let me know when I’m approaching the point when I can no

longer receive one.

Vaginal Birth

During Delivery:

I would like to be coached on when to push and how long.

I do not want an episiotomy unless it is an emergency forthe baby.

-If it is deemed an emergency I would like to be told before the procedure isdone

After Delivery:

I’d like my husband to cut the umbilical cord.

C-Section

I would not like a c-section unless absolutely necessary.

In the case that one is necessary, I would like my husbandto be present and to have the baby given to him as soon as possible.

Post Partum

I would like for either my husband or myself to be presentfor any examinations of the baby and for the first bath.

Feeding

I plan to breastfeed.

I will request the lactation consultant if I feel it’snecessary.

Visitors

I would like to be able to decide when I receive visitors (withinvisitation hours).

Discharge

I would like to wait and see how I feel before decidingabout the timing of discharge.

25 Weeks

2011-07-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

I know this is kind of lame, but here's a link to the post. I actually posted it on my family blog this time around. "25 Weeks"

Halfway

2011-07-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

I'm about 23 weeks along in my pregnancy and that means that I'm over half way to that 40 week mark! It feels pretty good. It also feels like it's gone so fast. Part of me loves that it feels like it's gone so fast - I am very anxious for this baby! Part of me also wonders if I'm not taking time to enjoy the pregnancy - the time I get to bond with the little one before all the real work of having a child comes into play.

So much happens during pregnancy and I've been trying to really focus on the development that each day, each week, and each month brings. I have a book that a friend is letting me borrow that highlights each day of pregnancy and I remember to look at it almost every day. :)

Right now I'm enjoying lots of baby movements - very vigorous movements. I had an appointment on Monday and while the doctor was listening to the heartbeat the baby gave that doppler a swift kick. Nate and I can watch it move already. I honestly can't remember how early we saw that with Jonas, but I do know that this baby seems a lot more active than Jonas was. That only makes me a little nervous for what this babe's personality is going to be like. :)

I am so grateful that the Lord has seen fit to bless us with another child, and even though pregnancy isn't always easy, I am trying to enjoy it. After losing a baby I really don't want to take anything for granted, but I do find myself wishing for it to be November - to finally hold our child, Jonas' sibling. I can't wait to love on it and to raise it with the same hopes we have for Jonas - to be a child of God.

From Conception to 15 Weeks

2011-05-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

Since I first found out I was pregnant again, I've been wanting to share how the journey has been going. I was waiting for an "appropriate" amount of time to pass in the pregnancy to share though. I think we've gotten to that point. Below you will read the story of Baby T and some of my random thoughts along the way.

I knew 11 days after conception that I was pregnant - 5 days before my missed period. Because we had tried the previous 2 months without success, I was determined not to take a pregnancy test until after I missed a period, even though we had the early detection kind. But, this particular month (February), I happened to have a regular yearly check up with the OB on the 28th. So, that morning I decided to take a test anyway. If it was positive, I thought the doc could just do the blood test while I was already there. It was positive. I had a little trouble believing the test since in December we had had a false positive. Anyone else ever have that happen??

The doctor had me pee on a stick again in the office and they said it appeared negative. But, she decided to have me go do the blood test anyway. The next day I got the phone call that it was positive! But, they wanted me to go in 2 more times after 48 hours each time, to make sure that the hormone levels were rising appropriately. After 2 more tests, it was determined that everything seemed normal. However, they wanted me to come in at 6 weeks for an ultrasound to make sure the baby was in the uterus. We were thrilled and, of course, incredibly anxious for that ultrasound appointment!

But, before I could make it to that appointment, severe abdominal pain and the inability to sleep because of it sent us to the ER in the middle of the night. We were terrified. Last time abdominal pain sent me to the ER I left 12 hours later without a tube and an ovary. After several hours and an ultrasound done there we knew the baby was in the uterus. And, that everything looked good. They could not determine the cause of the pain, and after a few more days it went away.

Two days later I went to the doctor to have that 6 week ultrasound done anyway - that's the picture you can see here. It was just a fun time then because I already knew the pregnancy was not ectopic. Plus, I had a technician who really took the time to show me everything she saw, including the little baby heartbeat.

I had another ultrasound done at 10 weeks, and another done at 13 weeks. You can see a picture post here. It's been a lot of fun having sneak peeks at the baby! We have our "big" ultrasound scheduled for June 14. We've decided not to find out the gender, but we're looking forward to seeing the difference from 13 weeks to 18 weeks. They change so quickly!

At my most recent prenatal appointment my OB told me she thought that maybe it was a blessing that the methotrexate didn't work with the ectopic and that removing the tube and ovary was better. Her theory is that the right side was my "bad side" and that by removing it we ensured that all pregnancies would now occur through the left side - my "good side." Who knows if that's true or not, but at this point I'm not sure I even care. :)

This pregnancy has been more difficult than my pregnancy with Jonas. I gagged when I brushed my teeth and I got headaches more often. That was the extent of my pregnancy discomfort. I don't think I even had any real pain from the weight until I was about a week from delivering. With this babe, I've been sick from the get go. Granted, I've always avoided vomitting, but in order to do that I've had to eat constantly - in the first 13 weeks or so I was literally snacking on something at least once every hour. In the last couple of weeks I've started to feel better in that regard. But, I'm still exhausted. I am often in bed before 8pm. The headaches are worse too. I have a headache almost every day. Overall, I suppose it doesn't matter. I'll make it through. Only 6 more months, to go, right? :)

At 15 weeks my bump is showing and I'm just trying to enjoy the baby nudges I've started to feel! Here's to a healthy baby in November!

Joy: Highlighting Sorrow

2011-05-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write this post for a while now, but it's been harder than I would have imagined. Back before it was the truth I didn't think I would be able to wait to scream out the news, but now that it's arrived there's a little hesitation in my heart.

I am pregnant. My due date is November 11, 2011. We've already decided not to find out whether we're having a boy or a girl. I've seen the baby on ultrasound 4 times now, every time getting to see the little heart beat. The baby is safe and sound in the uterus and everything appears to be going smoothly. AMAZING NEWS!

But as I think about this new life growing within, I can't help but remember the life we lost in August. And I don't want to forget that life. I guess I just didn't expect for this joyful time to so strongly highlight the sorrow that I still carry around with me.

With that being said, it hasn't taken away from the joy. I feel incredibly happy. Incredibly blessed. And as I look back to each step that got us to this moment I see the Lord carrying me along each stage. I see him giving us exactly what we needed at each point. A friend who understood our sorrow. A friend so openly sharing her pregnancy experiences with me, even though it must have been difficult. A friend taking care of Jonas at just the right times. A friend who sends notes out of the blue.

Even in our "every day" life, where it's just the nuts and bolts, things fall into place. We've had a lot of little struggles in this area this year, but I'm slowly seeing things resolved and seeing things fall into place. Oh, me of little faith. So today, with great joy and a note of sorrow, I shout out to the world: I'm having a baby in November!

Deals

2011-02-28T16:19:00.000-08:00

I always love a good bargain. I loved them before I had a child, but love them even more now that I have a child! You know how much costs multiply when you have a child!

I know there are many great ways to save out there, but here are just a few that I used because they come to me - well, my inbox anyway. Maybe you've heard of them already, but if you haven't, they're worth checking out.

1. Zulily
    This little gem is for those boutique-ish items for baby, toddler, and mom. I love this one for its
    adorable items and the "high-end" things it offers.

Good: It's free, it has new deals every day, an email is sent to you to tell you what the deals are.

Bad: Because deals can last a week, and your order is not truly processed until the deal expires it can take a long time before your order ships to you. But, some things are worth an additional wait!

2. Groupon
    This one is tailored to the city or area you live in. Coupons are for stores, spas, restaurants, etc. in
    your city. You buy a "groupon" for a specified amount and it is redeemable at these places for a
    higher amount. So, often it's like getting 50% off. Sometimes more!

Good: A new deal every day. Some of the deals are BIG (like spa packages at 1/2 off, you know how big of a savings that could be!).

Bad: A lot of the deals will not be interesting to you, but I still enjoy seeing what the deal is every day because sometimes it'll be PERFECT for me!

3. Olivia Place
    This one has deals for products for babies and children. Again, one deal a day and the deals only last
     a day. Really cute, often boutique-ish items.

Good: Shipping time is quite fast. Customer service is great.

Bad: Deals expire after one day. There are limited quantities and often the most desirable colors are gone before you have a chance to get to them.

Some time I will share even more of my secrets with you. But, in the mean time, what are some of your saving secrets??

Meet My 2 Year Old

2011-02-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

This is Jonas. He has an opinion on clothing, even if it's silly.

Crocs over the jammies so that we could bring Daddy to school.

We were fighting with him the night before to get him to put on pajamas, so I said, "Look, there are dinosaurs just like Dinosaur Train." He agreed to wear them, but insisted we put on his train shirt so it really would be like Dinosaur Train.

It's Been

2011-01-26T14:10:00.000-08:00

It's been 6 months, 2 weeks and 5 days since I found out I was pregnant. It's been 6 months and 1 week since I found out I was miscarrying. It's been 5 months and 3 weeks since I found out I had a tubal pregnancy. It's been 4 months, 2 weeks and 5 days since I lost my right tube and ovary to the tubal pregnancy.

It still hurts. Not my body. My heart.

It was so much easier to handle emotionally when there were so many physical symptoms assailing me each day of this two month journey that there wasn't room for the emotional pain. The physical pain is gone now, and while the scars on my abdomen are still a deep purple, I have no more physical symptoms to speak of.

I wrote a few months ago, just days after my surgery, about how God could use our loss and our experience. I was feeling optimistic and open to God's leading on where to go from the conclusion of that period of physical loss and suffering.

Today I find myself in the same place I so often was during the loss. Hopelessly depressed. I still am not sure there has to be a "reason" this happened, but I'm still desperately seeking what good has come out of this. Amidst a time where our little family has struggled with one little thing after another I wonder when God has a break planned for us. When do we get a little rest? When do we get to experience something of great joy?

God's timing is not our own. I know that and believe that, but it doesn't make me feel better. As April approaches, which is when our lost child would have been born, I wonder why it wasn't the right time to have an addition to our family.

I know God is faithful and someday we will experience great joy again, be it in the birth of another child, or something else. I'm just finding it very hard to be patient for that day.

Toddler Discipline

2011-01-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago I shared some of the troubles I was having with Jonas, my two year old son. He was beginning to test more boundaries and I was beginning to realize we needed to be more serious about discipline. You can read the full post here.

Without patting myself on the back too much, I feel pretty good about the place we find ourselves in now. He's still testing boundaries (Duh! He's a two year old!), but we're still responding with consistent discipline and he's responding positively. Phew!

Our primary means of discipline is still the time out. When we first started using it we called it "quiet time" and we sat with him. We sat with him until he calmed down, then we would count with him. Right now I count to 30 seconds. I suppose the amount of time is less important that the alteration of behavior and since he seems fairly capable of quickly alterating his behavior to something more appropriate, 30 seconds is where we'll stay.

Just this weekend I decided it was time for him to start sitting in a bonafide time out by himself. The first time I tried he got up a couple of times before he got that I was going to make him sit there and I expected that. But, what I didn't expect was him getting the concept so quickly. It only took me 3 tries to get him to sit down and wait until time was up. Every time out since, he's waited till his time was up to get up! Phew, again!

I'm not entirely sure of what connections he is making when we put him in time out. All I can see is his response to it, and I'm pleased with it. His response is to calm down and when the time out is done move on to something else. Of course, this is not his response 100% of the time. I would be a big liar if I tried to pass that one off. There are times when he finishes his time out and immediately returns to the behavior that landed him there in the first place. If that happens, it's right back to time out. I've had to put him time out 3 or more times on occasion until he finally realized that I was not going to tolerate the behavior.

Right now I am relieved at the progress we have made. My child is by no means perfect, but we've been able to implement a discipline routine that works well for us. I want to end this post by encouraging you in your discipline. Just keep at it, it will work eventually. Kids thrive on consistency when it comes to discipline and I can see that clearly in our own efforts with Jonas.

2 Years Old

2010-12-31T20:06:00.000-08:00

On December 27 my little boy turned two years old. Two years old! I know everyone says, but I suppose it's because it's true - these two years have flown by!

I am enjoying recalling memories of the last two years and reflecting on the good and bad moments.

On December 26, 2008 my water broke and the final moments of pregnancy began to pass. In the early morning of December 27 Jonas was born and our lives changed forever. And we wouldn't go back.

On December 25, 2009 we had our first Christmas with Jonas. What fun! On December 27, 2009 we celebrated his first year of life. We had a one year old!

He grew so much in one year, in two years. He went from a little bundle who did nothing to a little boy crawling, to a little boy walking, to a little toddler running. And then the talking began. Oh the talking. I LOVE it!

And here we are on the eve of 2011 and now we have a two year old who will, undoubtedly, continue to learn and to change. We welcome it with great anticipation!

Oh Carseats

2010-12-02T13:26:00.000-08:00

We're getting close to a point where Jonas is going to need a new car seat ... again. Kids cost so much money!

Since the seat he is in now is only rated up to 40lbs he can't just switch into a regular booster, we need something that will still have the 5-point harness. Since I do not want to own 4 car seats, I am looking for something that will allow us to start using it with the 5-point harness, then convert to a booster that can be used with the regular seat belt. I've kind of narrowed it to 3 choices, but I am curious what other think and if any of have any other recommendations.

Here are the three I am considering:

1. The Graco Nautilus 3-in-1

*Price: about $138

*Why: 1. It's priced on the lower side of these

car seat/booster seats.

2. We had a Graco Snug Ride 35 infant

seat and really liked it.

3. It comes in lots of color options.

4. It gets good reviews from actual users.

5. It transitions from a harness to a high

back or backless booster.

*Weight Limits: 5-point Harness: 65 lbs
Booster: 100 lbs

2. The Recaro ProSPORT

*Price: about $279

*Why: 1. It's highly rated for safety.

They make seats for race cars too!

2. Really high weight limits (see below)

3. It looks good.

4. Actual users really LOVE this seat

*Weight Limits: 5-point harness: 90 lbs

Booster: 120 lbs

3. The Britax

*Price: about $225

*Why: 1. It's another brand I have used and

really like.

2. It is a brand that is well trusted in the

car seat world.

3. It has high safety ratings - particularly

in the side-impact department.

4. Reviewers say it fits bigger kids better

than other seats they've used.

*Weight Limits: 5-point harness: 85 lbs

Booster: 120 lbs

Pictures in the order they appear from:

http://www.gracobaby.com/

http://www.recaro.com/

http://www.britaxusa.com/

Funnies

2010-11-30T15:11:00.000-08:00

Just a little something in my latest issue of Parenting magazine that put a little smile on my face. Nate, didn't seem to think it was that funny, but I got a kick out of it and thought I'd share.

4 Ways Babies are Like Fruitcakes:

1. The minute they enter the room, they start getting passed around from person to person.

2. They're incredibly sweet - and consider yourself warned, also can be slightly sticky.

3. Eighteen years later, they're often still found just sitting around your house.

4. Everyone compliments everybody else's but secretly thinks they made the best one.

Happy Tuesday everyone ... laugh a little. :)

Toddler Woes

2010-11-22T14:24:00.000-08:00

Folks, I have a toddler. He'll be two at the end of next month. He's an active boy. A curious boy. A boy beginning to test the boundaries. At some point during some immense frustration I realized it was time to really start thinking about discipline. Yikes!

Let's be honest, while I'm sure there are some who exist, most of us are not discipline pros and certainly do not enjoy having to use it! You can count me among those who are not pros and really, REALLY do not like to use it. But, it's time. I have to. If I do not, I would be doing my little Jonas a great disservice.

But what do I do? How do you discipline a two year old? Time outs? Spanking? Something else? I truly believe there is no one right way. Agreed? So, if that's the case, what's going to work in our case? I will say this over and over, I think that what we do has to fit the personality (and the response) of Jonas as well as fitting Nate and I. For example, even though I hesitate to bring this up because of the controversy behind it, I've found out that spanking does not work for Jonas or for myself. He just gets more angry and I feel ugly and horrible about it. But, I know it works for others.

So, what next? I picked up a book - actually it's one that's been around the house for awhile, just never had a dire need for it until now. It's called Positive Discipline. It's been an interesting read so far. I would say that what I've gotten out of it so far is that discipline for a toddler is less about punishment and more about instruction. Okay, if that works, I'm on board!

The book really promotes distraction for a 2 year old. I have tried it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it fails big time. That's when we get absolute tantrums. Headache creators. I ignore them the best I can, but Jonas has begun to hit me when he's really mad, and that is not something I will tolerate - hitting anyone for any reason. So, we go have a time out together. Since Nate and I have committed to trying the time out, we've had to use it twice. The first time lasted a very long time. Screaming, struggling, more hitting. Eventually he calmed down and actually almost fell asleep. I had to use it again yesterday morning. It took about 10 minutes to get 1 mintue of quiet and calm. I feel like he may be getting it. Of course, I thankfully haven't had to use it at all today, so we'll see how it goes the next time.

I suppose the time out is really working as a distraction of sorts because I am essentially trying to remove him from the situation that was causing the trouble, and insisting that he be calm instead of throwing a tantrum. I sit with him. I have no problem with that. I think I would even be okay with it if he decided that he wanted to read a book or something while we were in a "time out."

I know things will keep changing as he gets older. I know I'll have to continually try new things in the way of discipline, but if this gets me through 2, so be it.

I have quite a bit more of Positive Discipline to read, but when I finish it, I think I'll write a more thorough review.

In the mean time, anyone else read the book? Other books? Any good book suggestions? Any techniques you've found invaluable for disciplining a toddler?

28 with Acne

2010-11-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

Today I am just that much closer to 30. I guess I don't really feel like what I imagined 28 would feel like many years ago. I certainly didn't imagine that I would still be battling with acne! Uggh! Seriously, I think all the hormone changes in the last 3 months have caused my face to produce copious amounts of oil purely in rebellion. I'm going to have to get serious about this Proactiv routine again!

Some of you may laugh at this, some may agree, but I feel like my biological clock is ticking now too. Maybe part of it has to do with the recent troubles, because really, 28 is PLENTY young for making babies! :)

When I think of how close to 30 I am, I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers. What has happened all of these years?? How come I'm not one of those "millionares under 25"? I feel like I need to get a move on with my dreams before it's too late! (My dreams don't really consist of making millions, though I wouldn't complain if I somehow stumbled upon that windfall). Can dreams coming true really be as fun at 40 as they can in your 20s? ;)

Tonight I go to bed feeling pretty satisfied with what God has put in my life thus far, but looking forward to what other exciting treasures he has around the corner for me. I also go to bed looking forward to a weekend away with my wonderful husband. I go to bed with the idea in mind that, while I will never forget what happened such a short time ago, I know it's time for fresh beginnings. It's time for a renewed sense of purpose in being Jonas' mommy and Nate's wife and God's beloved daughter.

To fresh starts at 28!

Wounds

2010-10-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

I've been working on writing this post for almost a week now. I am having a really hard time trying to figure out how to say what I mean. So, please, bear with me.

I have 3 incisions on my abdomen, which are now almost completely healed. I had kind of thought that my emotional wounds were healed too - until they started to hurt again.

I am full of a tremendous amount of doubt concerning what our future holds. Will we be able to have another baby? If I get pregnant, will it just end up being ectopic again? If that happens will I end up losing the only tube and ovary I have left?

It feels overwhelming and terrifying to think about what might happen. I feel like we only have one chance to "get this right" because if we don't the consquences necessitate a finality. If it doesn't work out this one time, that's it. We don't get any other chances.

Thinking this way makes the loss hurt even more. I know I've said this several times, but we only knew I was pregnant for a few days before finding out I was miscarrying. It was still sad, obviously, but I think it was different from times when the baby has been carried longer, or it wasn't the first loss. Still, sometimes I have to remind myself that we lost a baby.

I've gotten many wonderful cards and notes expressing sympathy for our loss and it tends to hit me then - this has all really happened. I never ever imagined being in this place. How can you? I feel like a little piece of me has been torn away forever and I'm left wondering what replaces it.

I keep praying that God will show me where to go from here. I can't have gone through this just to forget it all. I really want something else to come out of this and I don't have any idea of what that might be.

I really want to have another baby. It's still a very real possibility at this point, but what happens if I get to a point where it's not? Because of my incredible ability to worry, I've thought about that a lot.

And that's where I am today - this week. A little all over the place, but trying to reign it all in.

*Warning*

Below is a picture (about 3 days post op) of the incisions from my surgery and the wounds as they are today (10/10/10).

Incisions, about 3 days post op

Scars: my incisions as they are today, almost healed.

Thoughts Over Ice Cream

2010-09-27T21:43:00.000-07:00

First of all, it was 110 degrees here today and I am exhausted from the heat. I had to venture outside quite a bit today and I am feeling pretty gross - I don't think I've stopped sweating yet. So, I am eating ice cream. With peanut buttter cups. It's delicious.

I went to the doctor again today. One of my incisions was draining (medical term, not mine). Last night I was dressing for bed and something rolled down my belly - I looked down to see a yellowish, brownish, reddish goop sliding out of my belly button. Disgusting! Sorry for the details, just wanted you to understand why I decided to call the doctor this morning. She had me come in this afternoon. She gave me some antibiotics, but doesn't think it's a real infection - just wants to prevent it from becoming one. I also had another blood draw to test the hcg levels. She suspects they'll be 0. We'll see.

I got the chance to discuss with her about the surgery a little more. She also shared with me all of the pathology reports from the "stuff" they found during the surgery. The cyst was quite large - 5 cm (or maybe it was mm - either way, quite large). It was benign. All the tissue they removed was benign. (For those of you who sometimes forget - like I do - benign means not cancerous). Because there was so little pregnancy tissue, the rupture of the tube did not cause the bleeding and pain in my pelvis. The rupturing of the cyst did. She said she tried really hard to save the ovary, but the cyst had really done a number on it.

So, now that I've dwelt on the surgery a little more, I'm left thinking about what I can learn about God from all of this. I don't mean to say that I think God did this to me to teach me something, but I do think he is giving me an opportunity to draw closer to him and learn more about who he is through this.

Over the summer, before I even knew I was pregnant, I read the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. The loss of her child was a much different experience from mine, but I suppose I can still relate to some things she wrote about. Even before I began this journey there was something that I wanted to take away from the book and store away and cherish in my heart. During an ultrasound appointment when she found out that the baby girl she was carrying was not developing normally and was not expected to live, someone asked her what she was thinking. And, since I don't have the book here at the house anymore, I am paraphrasing her response - but, she said something along the lines of, "My God is the same now as he was 5 minutes ago."

It's true. Just because my life has now changed dramatically, and some sad and scary things have happened, doesn't mean that my God has changed in the least. He loves me just the same now as he did before all of this happened. He's full of grace and mercy no matter what is going on. He's all powerful even when I feel powerless.

All I know for now (and trust me, this is something I will think about for a long time), is that God loves me. My purpose in life is to bring glory to God always. End of story. And I don't just know I have to bring glory to God, I want to, desperately.

So, I'm trying to use what has happened to us to draw closer to him, to open my heart that much more and listen and wait for his leading. What's next from here? He doesn't intend to leave me here, he has more in store for me. He has more ways for me to enjoy life while bringing glory to him.

We serve an awesome God!

Unbelievable

2010-09-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

The day I have been dreaming about has come. One week since surgery and I have finally stopped bleeding! Do I dare put the pads away? I think I might.

Seriously though, what a relief! It's really encouraging too. It's another improvement that marks the road to recovery.

This week has been a real blessing. Nate's mom flew out on Sunday afternoon to take care of Jonas and the house (and me too!) and just left yesterday afternoon. I really needed that. I was able to lay on the couch and do nothing if I needed to. She made sure EVERYTHING was taken care of.

As a result, I am feeling so much better! I went to my mother's group at church (A Mother's Place) on Thursday morning. People were certainly surprised to see me, but I told them that in so many ways I was feeling better that day than I had in the last 2 months.

The constant aches are gone. I haven't taken the pain killers they gave me after surgery in a couple of days. My pain now comes primarily from the pulling of my incisions or when I over do it physically. I'm not ready to take long walks with the stroller yet, but I am certainly ready to get back to doing every day things.

I am feeling rather joyful at times now. I know I'm still not 100% - I'm quite tired by the end of each day, even when I don't do much. Still, no more bleeding and no more constant pain, I really couldn't ask for much more at this point!

What is Normal?

2010-09-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about what getting back to normal will mean. I keep saying I just want things to get back to normal. However, I'm wondering if that's what I really want, or if it's even possible. So much has happened in the last week and so much has changed. It's been really difficult, but things could be worse. So, putting aside all the emotions of the past week, I've been asking myself, do I really think things could go back to normal? If they can't, what can happen?

I know that eventually the things of every day life will settle down. There will be more smiling kid faces here again next week. I will be doing my own laundry and cooking again. Jonas will get his mommy back and his normal bed time routine back. Life will go on and we'll get back into the things each stage of the school year brings for us.

The bleeding will stop (it's be SOO light the last few days!!). The wounds will heal. Little scars will remain, and it's possible that my belly button will have a new look to it. But, my ovary is gone forever. I've never really thought about it before - and I wish you could have seen the smile on my face when I thought about it at the park this morning - but I think I kind of just assumed that every woman had 2 ovaries. I know that's not true, but I never thought about who did and who didn't. Some don't have any.

But what about those women who don't? What was their story? How did it happen? Has it changed them forever?

I feel weird only having one. My OB assured me that the left ovary is healthy and will compensate for the right. You know, I was reading (that's right, I've been 'googling' again) that when we ovulate our ovaries kind of 'fight' to be the one to release an egg. So, only having my left ovary means it wins every time. We'll see how that goes. If there's no fighting, do you think cramps will go away?? Let's hope so.

Sorry, I'm a little all over the place. I'm just trying to say that eventually I know I'll be perfectly okay with having lost an ovary, but right now, it seems weird and hard to believe. I can't see a time where it won't be something that I consider life changing.

I would still love to share the thoughts I had on Friday laying around in the ER for 7 hours. That's something I won't forget for a long time. I'm just not sure I'm ready yet. And, I'd love to keep you informed on the journey that will be ahead of us.

Nate will probably kill me for sharing this, but we do want another child. Even more now than before. My OB thinks we will have no problem, but obviously things are a little more complicated now. So, I suppose as soon as the OB gives us the thumbs up, we'll be trying again. But, I am going to keep some things secret. I will not be sharing when we get that thumbs up, so don't ask.

Thank you all for sharing in this journey with me. For your kind words and thoughts. Especially for your prayers. Your prayers have strengthened me and helped me along in my faith and in my ability to really trust the Lord with all of this.

Time

2010-09-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to write and how I want to explain things. I'm just stuck. I need more time. I'm sure you can understand that.

For now, I am feeling much better the last couple of days. I'm definitely on the mend and it's very encouraging.

I am grateful that I felt well enough to shave my legs yesterday. I am grateful that I was able to hold Jonas for a little while today and comfort him. I am also grateful that my mother in law is here to help us out til Friday. In fact, she's doing Jonas duty right now so that I can relax and do whatever I want.

I am grateful for all of the support and prayer we've received.

Details

2010-09-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. Since there is so much to share, I've decided to just provide you all with the details today and give myself another day or two to process all of my thoughts and emotions.

On Friday (September 17) I decided to call into my OB becuase of increasing pain and bleeding. My abdomen was also beginning to become very tender to the touch. She had told me that as long as my hcg numbers were still above 0 I would experience pain and bleeing, but I felt like it shouldn't be getting worse. And since my hcg numbers had seemed to not drop as quickly as they had the week before I was feeling a little concerned. I felt like something just wasn't right.

My OB isn't in her office on Thursdays and Fridays and so the nurse I spoke with told me she would get in touch with her and see what she wanted me to do. The nurse called me back about 40 minutes later and told me the doctor wanted me to go to the Emergency Room to be evaluated. I felt instantly annoyed. I checked with her to make sure she wanted me to go to ER and not Urgent Care. See, Urgent Care costs me $20 while the ER costs me $100. That's right, I did not want to pay $100, especially if they were going to evaluate me and send me home and have me make an appointment to see my OB on Monday. After I got off the phone with the nurse I sat on the couch for 15 minutes contemplating whether to go or not. What if there was nothing wrong - or more wrong than we already knew about anyway?

I decided to go in. I made a phone call to get child care for Jonas, called Nate to let him know I was going to the ER, and then took off. I drove myself. I thought I'd be done in a few hours.

I got to the ER around 9:30am. I explained that I had been being treated for an ectopic pregnancy for the last month or so and that because of increased pain and tenderness upon touch my OB wanted me to come in to evaluated right away. I thought that explanation might cut my wait time short. The triage nurse filled out a slip and sent me to registration where they signed me in and gave me a hospital band. I sat down and watched the news for a few minutes and the triage nurse called me back in. She took my vitals and asked me some more questions about what was going on.

How far along are you? I didn't know how to answer that - I'm not along anymore. I started miscarrying about 2 months ago and I was about 5 or 6 weeks then. Are you bleeding? Yes. How long have you been bleeding? 2 months.

The more questions she asked and the more I answered the more concerned and sympathetic her face became. I started to feel like I was going to lose it. She looked at me and said, "You're doing amazing. You've been dealing with this for a long time, you can cry if you want."

I did, just a few tears. I was so flustered. I was still angry about having to come to the ER. But, Jennifer the triage nurse told me that she was going to take care of me and fight for me. She really told me that. Then, instead of sending me back to the waiting room to wait to get seen, she brought me right back to a private room. At 9:30 in the morning I didn't know yet what a blessing that was. She had me undress and get comfy in a hospital gown and lay down. She told me my nurse's name was Holly.

Then Holly came in and confirmed with me some of the details about what was going on. She told me that she was going to be my advocate today to make sure that something was done for me. As she was telling me this, the ER doctor came in to see me and he immediately told me that he was going to make sure he advocated for me too. Maybe they tell that to all of their patients - but it was the first time that I had been told that.

Holly took about 5 vials of blood and set me up for an IV. They gave me some anti-naseau medicine and then some pain killers. After about 10 minutes and little spell of dizziness, I felt better. She came back, turned the lights off and let me rest while we waited for the ultrasound team to come down and do another ultrasound.

After I had been in the ER for about an hour, I called the babysitter and told her that it was probably going to be awhile. I called Nate again and he decided that he wanted to be there, so he finished up the class he was in, then came over to the hospital. About 5 minutes after he got there a dear friend from church showed up. They waited with me and talked with me until the ultrasound team came down.

I'm sure many of you are all too aware of how the ER works. You wait. A lot. So we waited for the ultrasound, then we waited for the results, then we waited for the doctor. Eventually the ER doctor came in and said that I was going to need surgery and that the OB working at the hospital that day would come down when she was done with the surgery she was in and talk to me more about it.

My OB happened to be the doctor on call for the hospital that day. I considered that to be a blessing. About an hour after I talked to the ER doctor, she came down to talk to me about what they saw on the ultrasound and what procedures were going to be done.

Hope you're ready for this. Hope you learn one lesson from this: if you think something is wrong, call the doctor, call again if you have to. If you're wrong the worst that can happen is you'll be told you were wrong and that everything is fine. But, if you're right, you may just save your life.

The etopic pregnancy was still present, regardless of the fact that my hcg levels were dropping. My right tube had ruptured and there was blood in my pelvic cavity. My right ovary had a large cyst on it. My OB was going to start with laproscopic surgery to see the true extent of what was going on and decide exactly what was going to have to happen. She knew she was going to have to remove part of the tube on the right side. She was going to extricate all the blood and fluid that had been in the pelvic cavity. Then, she was going to take a look at the cyst and see if it was bad enough to have to remove the ovary. If possible, she was going to do this all laproscopically, if not, she would have to open me up further - like a c-section incision.

Around 5:30pm they wheeled me into the surgery unit and got me prepped for surgery. The surgery lasted 2 hours. Nate told me he was starting to get nervous because it lasted so long. I vaguely remember my OB talking to me after the surgery. I remembered enough to know what I had lost.

They were able to do the entire surgery laproscopically which meant I got to go home and sleep in my own bed that night. It also means that today I've been able to sit up in this chair and write this.

What they found when they got in there wasn't great. They had to remove the right tube because it had ruptured. The cyst was bad. It was actually bleeding into the pelvic cavity as well. They had to remove my right ovary.

So, at the age of 27 I am down to one tube and one ovary. I never thought this would happen. Never. I certainly didn't believe that when I walked into the ER at 9:30 that morning that I would leave 12 hours later with my right tube and ovary gone.

Things should get remarkedly better from here. I am really looking forward to that.

"Lord, I'm trusting you."

Blessings

2010-09-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough day again. I got sick to my stomach last night and since then I have been in quite a bit of pain. I have been trying to avoid vicodin as much as possible, but I have broken down and taken one. I would have killed for a nap today, but of course, Jonas decided he didn't need one today.

I have gotten many words of encouragement from so many people in the last few days and I greatly appreciate it. This morning I had two people mention how similar experiences had made them feel even more grateful for the children they already had. It got me to thinking about how many blessings I still have in my life.

I have chosen to focus on blessings today. I won't lie, it hasn't been easy, but when I found myself feeling sorry for myself I just thought of the good things.

So, here are some blessings that I am particularly grateful for today:

Jonas
Nate
Friends who encourage me daily
Family who are continually offering support
The ability to complete household chores (I feel a little better just being in a neater and cleaner house)
Prayers of many - even some who don't really know me
Healthy pregnancies of others
God's faithfulness and plans for me - even when I wish they'd come more quickly and they're not

This is part of a letter written to the exiles taken from Jerusalem to Babylon, but I believe the promise holds for all of God's people - even today.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
- Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."
- Jeremiah 29:11 The Message

Why?

2010-09-14T15:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm finally there. Why? Why me?

I'm so angry and so frustrated right now. I can't say I'm angry at God or angry at the doctors. I'm not. I'm just angry that after so long, I am still bleeding and still feeling pain. I'm still not healed. I'm still not better.

The phone call from the doctor this morning pushed me over that invisble line between handling it and wanting to pull my hair out and scream.

Last week the results were better than this week. I went from an hcg count of 153 to 64. This week, not as great. 64 to 56. Can you see the difference? I went from an 84 point drop to an 8 point drop - in one week. At this rate it's going to be longer than a month before I can even hope that the pain and bleeding will stop. I don't think I can go on that long.

The doctor told me that if it seems to be at plateau after the next test (next Monday) I'll have to be seen again to see what's going on. I assume that means another ultrasound to take a look inside again. If it's still not cleared up, I can only assume that I'll have no choice but to have a D&C and the laporoscopic surgery done. I don't think I could do another round of Methotrexate if it were an option.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should have just done that in the first place. I feel like I would have been better by now.

I'm just so angry right now and have lost sight of an end.

Waiting

2010-09-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

I have been putting off writing for the last couple of days because I didn't feel like it. Fair enough. I didn't feel like it because I've be STRUGGLING. I'm finding all kinds of things to blame it on. My hormone levels are dropping rapidly, that would certainly mess anyone up. I'm still bleeding. It's been a month and a half! Sorry to be gross but I have to say it, how would you like wearing pads for a month and a half. It's not lighter and I'm getting that feeling like things still aren't quite right. Of course I'm struggling.

It's more than that. I actually feel sorry for myself. I've been walking around pitying myself. It's not a good feeling. It in no way makes me feel better and I'm trying desperately to not think that way, but it seems like I've gotten in a rut and everytime I try to dig myself out of this, it just keeps caving in on me. I feel like people must notice this. I feel like my friends have to be getting tired of me like this. There have to be times where it's not fun to be around me.

This thing has begun to consume me. When it first started happening it was like that. Then, I had a period where I felt like I could operate as normal. And now, the last week, I have been consumed. I feel like it's all I think about and talk about. I know my friends understand, but after spending time with them, I often walk away wondering if they wanted to stab me with a fork at lunch because it's all I could talk about. And now, here I sit doing the same thing.

But what do I do? I'm hoping that the bleeding stops soon and I won't have this constant reminder. I'm hoping that it stops and I can start birth control and get regular cycles again. I'm hoping that in 3 months I feel complete physical healing. I'm hoping that I can move on.

In the mean time, I'm sorry to all my friends who hear me say the same things over and over again. And I thank all of you who have done incredible things for us as we've been going through this - babysitting, dinners, etc. It is all very much appreciated.

And please, please pray for us.

In the Right Direction: The Rest of August, 2010

2010-09-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

I had a follow appointment one week after the Methotrexate. The doctor was going to be looking at the hcg levels, wanting to see at least a 15% drop in the numbers between days 4 and 7. And yes, that means that I was still going in regularly to have my blood drawn. I went into the appointment assuming that we would see that appropriate drop, the drug works 95% of the time after all.

There was only a 7% drop in the hcg levels. My heart sunk. I thought I was close to the end. What were my options now. My doctor wanted to give the Methotrexate another chance if I was up for it. Considering the surgery option required full anesthesia and it was surgery, I was "up for it." Well, I was going to give it another chance. I almost cried again when the doctor left the room to get the nurse to set up for the shots. I was just so disappointed. I was thinking about why this was all happening. We like to have reasons in situations like this, but I knew that I wasn't necessarily meant to know why - not right then at least (or yet for that matter).

Just to make things worse, it turned out that they didn't have enough of the drug on hand to give me a full dose. Since I already had a babysittter, I opted to wait for the nurse administrator to go get more of the medication from a different Beaver location. An hour after deciding to go with the second round of Methotrexate I finally got both of my shots. At least since I got the first dose 20 minutes before the second I didn't pass out this time. It also took a full day for the symptoms to kick in. There's looking on the bright side.

I had to have my blood drawn on days 4 and 7 again. On day 7 I went in for yet another appointment. I was not optimistic. I wasn't sure why it would work this time when it didn't the first. I sat in the waiting room for 30 minutes watching women leave their various appointments with those bags they get at their first prenatal visit. They probably got to see their baby - looking like a bean of course - on an ultrasound. It was probably the most sad I'd felt yet. I really wished that this pregnancy had been like theirs, not the way it was. I was so anxious to just be back in the office so I didn't have to see them anymore.

When the doctor came into the room she actually smiled - I couldn't believe it. The hcg levels had dropped 53% - way more than the 15% they expect to see. That's a good thing. She told me I was getting to the end of the road. She told me that I would have symptoms for about another 2 weeks, then things should start getting back to "normal." After 3 months she said that I could consider my body totally healed.

It's been a week since getting that news. I'm still cramping and bleeding. I know - she said 2 weeks, but remember how I said I was an amazing worrier? I'm just hoping this really does stop so I don't have to go into the doctor's again!

In the meantime, I still have to go to have my blood drawn once a week until my hcg level hits 0 - or under 10, something like that. They'll call me.

I can see the end of this coming up - at least the physical part. The longer this was dragged out, the more emotionally worn I have felt.

But as I wait for the symptoms to subside and the report of less than 10, "Lord I am trusting you."

Answers: August 16, 2010

2010-09-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

Some answers anyway. Between August 2 and August 16 my "case" was being handled by 3 different urgent care physicians and I was having blood drawn every 48 hours. I wish I would have taken some pictures of my arms. They were ugly. Even now, if you look at my arms you can see a dozen little round scars where they've been stuck over and over and over again.

Finally, the 16th arrived. I was honestly happy to be going to see a real live OB! Can you imagine? I don't really want to get into the way this was handled and how it had been impossible for me to get in to see an OB and that's why 3 different physicians from urgent care of all places were trying to treat me. Needless to say, I'm not thrilled by the way it was handled and I think I will be demanding in the future.

The OB was very nice and very to the point. Her explaination went something like this: you're hcg levels are still rising, but they're much too low for this to be a normal pregnancy. Your ultrasound a week ago was totally inconclusive, so we need to have a look again - today, in an hour. You've either had a miscarriage that is not complete, or you have an ectopic pregnancy and we need to find out.

I got 2 more lab slips for 2 more blood draws and instructions to go drink 4 glasses of water in the next 10 minutes so that my bladder would be full in time for the ultrasound. So, I headed down to the lab with my bottle of water and drank, drank, drank. I had my blood drawn - again. Then headed up for another ultrasound. (Side note: this is totally weird, but the ultrasound rooms at Redlands Beaver Med Group may be one of my favorite places - the lighting is so calming, the temperature is just right and the humming of the machine kind of lulls me into this place of complete relaxtion.)

Two days later and two blood draws later I headed to the OB for an update on what was going on - if they had it figured out yet.

Tears: August 2, 2010

2010-09-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

I think I knew before hearing the news at urgent care that something wasn't right. I was as prepared as I think one could be to get the news. I didn't cry, I didn't even really feel like it. When the doctor sat down to explain to me, I just nodded at her and said "okay."

When I got home and had to explain it to Nate, that's when I had my "moment." I cried. A lot. It felt like one thing to be told the news and another to have to tell Nate. I was sad. We had started to get excited. We had imagined our family bigger. It wasn't going to happen anymore.

As the days passed, I started to come to terms with it. Easier than maybe I would have thought. I think it helped that I had only known that I was pregnant for 5 days before I got the news. Maybe it helped that I wasn't yet 6 weeks along. I don't know.

Maybe it helped that I felt like I could trust God with this. I knew he was going to take us through this - somehow. During various times throughout this process it hasn't been easy to see, but looking back at parts of it, I'm already able to see specific things.

"Lord, I'm trusting you."

Change: July 28, 2010 & August 2, 2010

2010-09-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

We had already discussed what being a family of four was going to look like for us. We were getting excited and we were imagining Jonas as a big brother.

On the morning of the 28th I started to bleed - just a little. I spoke with a nurse and some friends who had similar things happen. Nobody seemed too concerned, so I wasn't either - not at first anyway. I knew bleeding could happen, but it didn't happen when I was pregnant with Jonas. I knew that pregnancies could be different from each other, so I put the worry aside for the time being.

I remember wishing that it wasn't happening though. I remember having a little nagging feeling. I also remember reminding myself that I am an amazing worrier. So, I let it rest for a while.

After continuing to bleed through the weekend, experiencing some intense pain, and making a few calls to the nurse, I made a trip to urgent care. That was when that little nagging part of me was proven right. They told me they thought I was having a miscarriage. They drew some blood and told me they expected to see a drop in my hcg levels to confirm this.

Two days later I am still bleeding and I get the results that my hcg levels are still rising. So, the urgent care doctor sends me in for more blood work (to check hcg levels again) and an ultrasound. That was when they first discussed the possbility of an ectopic (or tubal) pregnancy with me. So, Nate and I called a friend who came and watched Jonas for us while we headed straight for the ultrasound.

We didn't wait too long before they called me back - Nate wasn't allowed to come. The ultrasound took 45 minutes. It felt like forever. It felt like torture because I knew in my heart that even though they couldn't confirm the miscarriage because of the rising hcg levels that there was nothing to see on that screen. I didn't look.

The ultrasound results were inconclusive and could not confirm or deny a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy.

In the meantime, I was going in every 48 hours for blood work, always with the same result: rising hcg levels. I was frustrated and physicall and emotionally exhausted already.

After about 2 weeks of dealing with various urgent care physicians, someone finally decided to call the OB. They got me in for an appointment on August 16. That was when the second portion of my journey would begin.

Life: July 23, 2010

2010-09-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

The 23rd was an interesting day for us - an unexpected, but pretty exciting day for us. After some light spotting and the realization that I shouldn't be getting my period for about another week, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I did not think that I was pregnant, but for some reason I thought I should test. We weren't trying, in fact, we were using birth control, so I thought it seemed far fetched.
I remember that I sat on the bathroom floor waiting the 3 minutes required to read the test while Nate played with Jonas in the backyard. I remember the shock I felt when 2 lines appeared - when the test turned positive. Maybe it seems dramatic, but I remember feeling like things were kind of moving in slow motion and far away from me when I took the stick and walked out to the backyard to share the news. Anyone who has ever had a child before knows that it's a big deal to bring a child into the world and so when it happens unexpectedly, it's overwhelming - even more so than when it happens expectedly.

It took me a day or two to get used to the idea that we were going to be having a second baby, but I was excited and in love immediately.

The Truth

2010-09-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

The truth is, I'm in the midst of the month and a half long drama of an ectopic pregnancy. It's been a long trial and a long journey and I'm not sure exactly how to share with you what I've been going through. I just feel like I would like to share just in case someone out there is just beginning to endure this, or may in the future, and can glean some information or encouragement from this.

I'll share with you that I've gone through many different emotions and have found that I have been able to remain fairly optimistic in general. I can't explain why this has happened, nor am I sure there's a real reason why. The day I first knew something was wrong my prayer to God was, "I'm trusting you." That's all I've really known how to pray since. I'm still praying that today.

"Lord, I'm trusting you."

White Shorts

2010-06-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

Over a year after Jonas was born I still had 10lbs of the weight I had gained during pregnancy. I hated it, but frankly, I wasn't ready to do the work it was going to take to get rid of it.

I know that at some point in February I decided it was time and I just did it. I honestly don't remember what triggered it. Maybe it was a fleeting thought of beach days this summer. Maybe it was the way the doctor asked me how much I exercised. Who knows, all I know is one day I had enough and that same day I began the change.

I started Weight Watchers. Why? It was the cheapest program and it didn't "take away" any foods. I signed up and immediately began to count points. It was HARD. I was SO HUNGRY the first couple of weeks. Eventually it was easy. My stomach shrunk - probably to a more appropriate size. I wasn't hungry anymore. I was satisfied after my meals and snacks. Even better, the weight just dripped off. Week 1: 2 lbs, Week 2: 2lbs, Week 3: 3lbs, etc. By the end of a month and a half I had lost those 10lbs and MORE!

I actually weigh less now than when I Nate and I got married. Wow. Of course, my stomach is probably a little flabbier now than it was then - you know the whole pregnancy thing has fundamentally changed my body shape. Or maybe if I would actually stick to an exercise program my abs would firm up a little bit and take a little flab away. Or maybe I could do that new procedure where they freeze the fat cells in your stomach and they just die. Well, that's not likely.

You know what the best part was. Everyone could see the difference and it felt amazing to not only be healthier, but to have people see that you were healthier. Well, that and getting new clothes. I even had to get new belts!

My favorite new item of clothing: my white shorts from Old Navy. I know what you're thinking WHITE??? WITH A 1 1/2 year old?? Are you CRAZY? Maybe. But, come on! I may be a mom, but sometimes I'm just a woman and this woman wanted short white shorts. Yes, sometimes they have dirty shoe prints, peanut butter, or half chewed granola bar on them by the end of the day, but usually they stay looking great. Jonas and I have this unspoken agreement that he will be just a little neater when I wear them.

And, this woman's husband loves it when she wears her short white shorts.

Cloth Diapering

2010-04-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

Long before I got pregnant, before we even tried, I had decided that I wanted to cloth diaper. Once I was pregnant, then I really started doing my research. After doing the research, Nate and I both agreed we would try it.

Why we decided to cloth diaper:

1. It's environmentally friendly
2. It saves money

We ended up choosing to use the one size fits all BumGenius pocket diaper. After using them for a year, I can say that I am happy with our choice to use those. Of course, a large part of my decision to use them was based on the fact that my previous employer, Mom 4 Life sold them. :)

I've been happy with them. We used them after Jonas' belly button scab fell off and his circumcision healed. I didn't want to get blood on them after all! So, we started using them when he was about 6 weeks old. We pretty much only used cloth diapers until he was a year old. I often used disposable when we were going to be out for a long time, or I left him with a babysitter. Sometimes it's easier to do that then explain to everyone about the cloth diaper.

The reason that we don't use them exclusively anymore is because they have a little trouble containing Jonas' bowel movements. I'm sure there is something that I should be doing to correct this - add another insert or doubler, but I just haven't done it. Why? Because dealing with wet cloth diapers is much easier than dealing with dirty cloth diapers. :) So, Jonas gets a disposable on in the morning and once he has a bm (usually an hour or 2 later), he gets switched into the cloth. It seemed like a good compromise to me. :)

I will definitely use the same diapers for the next baby (no, I'm not pregnant ... yet). They are still in great shape.

How I make the system work for me:

1. The diapers are always pre-stuffed, that means that after they get washed, I stuff them all and put them in the changing table drawer already stuffed. It makes using them really easy. Just as easy as putting on a disposable.

2. Washing:
       Wet:
          1. I run one cycle on Cold Delicates, 1 TBSP detergent (I use All Free and Clear)
          2. I run one cycle on Hot Delicates, 1 TBSP detergent
          3. I run two rinse cycles with cold water (making sure you get all the soap out ensures that the diapers will be nice and absorbent)
       Dirty:
          1. Same as wet.
          2. Same as wet.
          3. I run an additional cycle on Hot Delicates, 1 TBSP detergent
          4. Same rinse as wet.

        Line dry! Saves you the energy costs of using the dryer, though you can use it. When I do use it, I just put it on Perm Press.

3. Pails
        Wet Pail: Next to the changing table. Only wet diapers go in this one.
        Dirty Pail: In the bathroom next to the toilet. Only dirty diapers go in this one.
            - I just use a 12 gallon trash pail with a pop up lid from Target. They're cheap.
            - Liners: I have 3 Blueberry Diaper Laundry Bags (they go right in the wash with the diapers)

4. Accessories
        BumGenius Diaper Sprayer
           - This guy attaches to any flexible water supply line on a toilet. Makes cleaning those diapers much easier. Without it, you're swishing, which isn't terrible either.

I would highly recommend cloth diapering, though I have no judgements against those who choose not to. I love it, but it's not the only way to go. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I love to share my experience with those who may be on the fence about trying it. And, by all means, share your experience with me. I'm sure I still have a lot to learn!

Motherhood and Simplicity

2010-03-05T11:35:00.001-08:00

I've been meeting with some pretty cool women on Friday mornings and we've been reading and talking about the book: So You Want To Be Like Christ? by Charles R. Swindoll. The book is taking us through 8 things he believes are essential to achieving that. We've gotten through 2 essentials so far. The first is: Simplicity. The second is: Silence.

Simplicity. I think I want that! I mean, I'm sure we all say that at some point, but I think I might be serious this time. Swindoll is saying that we need to develop intimacy with God in order to be like him. Simplifying our lives frees up our minds of some unnecessary clutter and allows us to focus more on God. I want that. I really, really want that!

But does simplicity fit with motherhood?? It's a question that I've been really pondering this past week. I think it can. I'm excited to work on it too. I'm ready to give up some things - stuff and activities and commitments. I need to slim my to do list down and focus on what I'm making my priorities. I have a few ideas and some time lines on implementing them and I'm ready to face the challenge of using the new found time to work on developing an intimate relationship with God.

I have to really think about what my priorities are as a woman, a wife, and a mother. I've kind of made a mental list, and it looks like this:

1. Continually seeking God
2. Nurturing my relationship with Nate, always finding new ways to express my love
3. Having a caring and fun relationship with my son
4. Passionately sharing the love of Christ with the youth at our church (and others we come in contact with)
5. Supporting Nate with basketball
6. Creating a well-functioning home environment (which means a serious purging of things)

People may not always think of being simple as a good thing. I struggle with the thought because I want to look productive, and therefore feel good. But, it doesn't work like that. Giving my all to a few things is better than giving something to a bunch of things.

Can you imagine what our lives as mothers would look like if we simplified? I think I would spend more time playing with Jonas instead of dragging him around in the car. I think I would spend more time hearing him laugh with joy instead of whining in frustration. I think I would enjoy that.

Fighting for Your Child

2010-03-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

Come on, admit it, there are times when you just want to yell and scream and fight for your child. Maybe he's being picked on. Maybe he's getting hurt in an aggressive game. Maybe he's not getting what every child deserves. While they are still young, we have to fight for our children. We are the ones that have to protect them and get them what they need. But, how do we do it?

I think I may have learned a lesson. It's taken a couple of years, but it's starting to sink in now, I think. Maybe fighting isn't the term we should use, but what? I'm not really sure. Pleading comes to mind, but I'm not advocating that you become pathetic.

The last couple of weeks I've been dealing with a situation that causes my son to get sick. As soon as Jonas' doctor told me what the problem was, I was on a war path. How dare they put us in this situation! I called, I started out demanding, I even lost my cool. The manager wasn't in and they made it sound like no one knew why. I was furious. It festered - all weekend long.

By Monday morning I was determined to be calm, cool, and collected. I decided to take the, 'please can you help us??' route. And guess what, the manager was as nice as can be. This week we will be working out some things. I don't know if they'll be exactly the way I want them, but I feel like I at least have a better chance.

No one wants to deal with an angry person. Lesson learned. To them I am just that, angry, not fighting for my child.

Little Swimmers

2010-02-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

It's happened. Twice. Jonas pooped in the bath. The first time he did it Nate was giving him a bath and he freaked out. He had to take Jonas to our shower to finish cleanig him off and I had to clean out the tub. The second time, I was giving him the bath. This time I made Nate clean out the tub and I took Jonas to our shower. He did it twice in a row. But, last night, he had a bath and did not poop in it. Thank goodness!

Oh the joys of motherhood.

Sippy Cup Nightmare

2010-01-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

Jonas is a sippy cup nightmare! He's been drinking from a sippy cup since 9 months, but he only loves one kind. It's the one that leaks, like crazy. I started him on the basic Nuby soft spout sippy cup because a) it had a soft spout ... a good way to transition from a bottle and b) it was one of the cheapest. He took to it right away. He was transitioned to a sippy cup in two feedings. It didn't take my husband and I long to figure out just how much we hated those cups. A LOT!

From: www.nuby.com

They have these grooves on the nipples that are supposed to line up with notches on the handles - impossible. If they're not lined up they leak even more than usual. Oh, and the spill proof nipple mechanism, tore on 4 of the 6 cups. More leakage.

After 3 months of torture, and successfully transitioning Jonas to whole milk, we decided it was time to try something else. Next up, Avent cups. I personally love these cups. No leaking. Easy to put together. Caps that fit well and protect the spout from getting dirty. Plus, you have 3 different spouts to choose from to put on one cup (you do have to purchase the different spouts separately, they only come with one kind on them) - you've got the soft spout that's meant to be the transition spout, the regular spout, and the sport spout which allows more liquid to come through.

From: www.avent.com

Jonas, however, after using them for a month decided he hated the Avent cups. My guess as to why, he can't get as much liquid through them as he could from the Nuby cups (because the spill proof mechanism was broke of course). So, he started refusing them. Being basketball season, I decided not to try and fight with him right now and have gone back to the Nuby cups that he likes. One month later and I'm just about done with those stupid cups. I'm sure you understand just how irritating it is to have whole milk spilled on floors and carpets!

So, what do I do now? I have one Dr. Brown's cup that he did fine with this morning. I'm going to keep washing it and using it for every feeding and see how he does with it for the next few days. But then I'm torn, if he likes the Dr. Brown's cup (just about the most expensive cup out there!), do I buy a few more? Or, do I keep washing it for the next few weeks and wait for basketball season to be over and fight with him to take the Avent cups again?

From: www.handi-craft.com

I've seriously been debating this with myself for about 24 hours straight now. I'm super frustrated because he's always been so easy with transitions that I'm stumped as to what to do next.

Anyone else have these problems? Any cups you love? Any cups you hate?

A Plug and Plea

2010-01-24T16:50:00.000-08:00

Our youth group at Bethany Reformed Church will be doing World Vision's 30 Hour Famine again this year. While the Famine isn't actually until April, we can start raising funds NOW! This year they also have the convenience of donating online at sites set up by Famine participants. So, you guessed it, I set up a site for YOU to donate online.

The funds that we raise during the 30 Hour Famine will be used by World Vision to support the programs that they have around the world that help feed children through various projects. This year, a portion of the funds raised have already been designated to go to the efforts that World Vision has already begun in Haiti. Want to know more? Check out their website.

If you decide this is a cause you'd like to support, please, please donate online TODAY!

I thank you in advance for your support of our youth group's efforts!

1 Year

2010-01-20T16:31:00.000-08:00

Well, we made it to the one year mark with no major incident. It's pretty exciting to have a one year old - so far, so good that is. Even though Jonas turned a year on December 27, we still haven't had a birthday party here at home for him. I'm honestly having a hard time bringing myself to spend money on a party that he will never remember! One month late, I think I will just make him a cake and have a couple of friends over to share it with us. I really do want to bake him a cake for his first birthday. Then, I can have some pictures of him with his first cake. Isn't that something I'm supposed to do as a mom? Any rules on this? Anybody?

Jonas' Grandma Triemstra did make him some cupcakes for his birthday while we were in Michigan complete with a 1 candle. Backwards to the picture. Correct for Jonas - because he knows what a 1 is!

He was totally ready to tear that cupcake apart with a spoon.

My Most Horrifying Mom Moment Yet

2009-12-17T14:49:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I am going to admit this, but I have vowed to myself that this blog was going to be honest and not full of fluff. So, here it goes:

Jonas fell off his changing table today. I had my left hand on his belly while my right hand put the dirty diaper in the pail. He's just too wiggly and strong now. He rolled over and flipped off. He landed right on his back and his little eyes looked at me in horror. It was like, "How'd that happen Mom and why didn't you stop it??" Then he started wailing. A minute ticked by and hugs and a pacifier calmed him down. I looked him over, everything seemed in place and there were no bumps. He wiggled free from my oh so tight embrace and started playing - naked of course.

In the end, I think I cried more than he did.

Funny thing is, I was changing him to take him to a Dr's appointment, so I thought, well I guess I have to tell the doctor what a terrible mother I am so that she can make sure he's fine.

You know what she did when I told her? She laughed. That's right, laughed. Then she said to me, "Oh honey, every baby falls off the changing table, the sofa, the bed, something." Once again, the pediatrician made me feel better about my ability to care for my son properly.

In case you are wondering, Jonas is just fine. And, today, he's getting spoiled because his mother still feels awfully guilty.

What do You do During Nap Time?

2009-12-07T15:46:00.000-08:00

While Jonas peacefully sleeps away the afternoon, I have a decision to make. Do I get some more work done like I did during his morning nap? Or, do I take a little me time? If you're a mom, no matter how many kids you have, you know how painful making this decision can be!

This afternoon I chose to take a little me time, at least for part of the nap. I spent the first 30 minutes of his nap getting dinner ready to put in the oven later, but now I am sitting here watching HGTV, drinking wine and eating chips, and blogging.

So, my question for you is this: what do you do during nap time?

Sleep Gear

2009-12-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

While I was pregnant with Jonas, like most first time moms, I did all kinds of research on all the latest gear out there for putting the little one to bed. There's a lot! In the end, I bought two things. One of which we still use, one of which we do not.

I always loved reading reviews written by the everyday mom who had used a product - it's a lot more useful than a product description. So, in hopes of helping some mom out there, even if it's only one, I will review the two products that I purchased.

1. The Swaddlekeeper

The concept of this product is simple: you use a regular blanket, swaddle the child, then wrap it around to keep the blanket together.

Why I love it:

* It's BEAUTIFUL! I'll just put it right out there, I like to look good and I like my baby to look good too. :) I got an organic one, but I have noticed that they don't have that pattern anymore. There are other really cute ones though.

* If you're not great at swaddling (and I'm not!), no worries, this will definitely hold it together.

* My Jonas was born at the end of December and I felt like it added a little extra warmth.

* Eliminates the need to buy any specialty swaddling blankets on top of regular blankets. I love having a lot of regular blankets on hand, they're useful for many things - stroller, playing on the floor, changing baby on the floor, and so on. So, I'd rather spend my money on some nice big blankets and forgo those specialty swaddling blankets.

* It's really easy to use. Lay your little bundle on top, wrap the Swaddlekeeper around and velcro. Walah! It's done.

Why I don't love it:

* I only used it for about a month. After that time Jonas screamed, literally, when swaddled. We had to at least keep his arms out or he would go berserk.

* Even though it was a gift and I didn't spend my own money on it, I was a little disappointed and felt like I didn't get my Mom's money worth out of it. (It was $28)

My Recommendation:

Maybe consider buying this after your little one has arrived and been on scene for a couple of weeks. You'll have a pretty good idea of whether they're going to like being swaddled or not. Or, you could just ask for it as a gift. If you don't mind doing the swaddling thing and you're good at it, then you probably don't need it.

2. The Halo Sleepsack

Why I love it:

* A plethora of sizes, colors, and fabrics to choose from. They have cotton for the summer and a fleecy one for winter. We are currently using the winter material one.

* While I have had to purchase new ones as Jonas has gotten bigger, he's always liked them. He's still sleeping in one now.

* There's a lot of room in the bottom, so his leg movement really isn't too restricted. I was really worried about that at first because he moves a lot when he sleeps and I was afraid that the sack would restrict his movement and wake him up. Nope! He can still roll over while he's wearing this. He can even get up on his hands and knees, and stand.

* I zip this up over Jonas' footy pajamas and feel confident that he's plenty warm at night.

* It's a safe alternative to a loose blanket for the little ones.

Why I don't love it:

* I have to buy a new one every time Jonas grows out of one. I just keep thinking that I'll use them for the next baby - God willing. (They're about $20-$23)

My Recommendation:

This is a product you'll definitely want to check out. There are several different brands out there, so research that. Halo is just the brand that was at my local Babies r Us when I was using gift cards to shop with.

I am feeling like I want to say this is a must have, unless you live in the perfect always 75 degrees climate and never run an air conditioner.

Wow, Wow and More Wow

2009-11-16T19:21:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have days where a bunch of great things collide and you can't even process it until the day finally comes to an end? I don't think I had too many of those before Jonas was born. Of course, before he was born I didn't get to watch a child that Nate and I gave life to (through God's miracle of course) grow up and develop. But, now I know that babies really are amazing little things, just like everyone always tells you. And now I know how exciting it is when your child learns new things.

It was only about 2 months ago that Jonas had a week where he learned all kinds of new things - crawling, getting into a sitting position on his own, and pulling himself up to stand (the first place he did that was in the tub of course). This past week was another doozy, and I really just got to process everything today.

Don't mind my bragging, in a sense it's more like sharing my relief at the way things have turned out. Jonas started taking steps a couple of weeks ago, and today, he's so close to being a full time walker (maybe in another 2 weeks). It's unbelievable, exciting, and scary all at the same time. His walking prompted me to make a few changes in his routines. I decided it was time (after not having luck before) for him to start using a sippy cup. He fought me a little this afternoon, but I just put it away and when he was fussy in 25 minutes I tried again and he drank it all, no complaints. I just gave him his evening feeding in a sippy cup with no complaints at all. My sister told me to go cold turkey on the bottles, the thought made me nervouse, but it seems like it's going to be a fairly easy battle to win. The other change has to do with bedtime. I was still giving Jonas a bottle, in the rocking chair, in the dark, then putting him straight into the crib. I know, I know, he's got 4 teeth that should be cleaned after he eats! So, tonight I put him in his pajamas, sat down on the couch (with the lights on) and gave him his sippy cup. We wiped down his teeth and gums (which, remarkably, he hardly fought me on), zipped him into his sleeping blanket, then sat down in the dark in the rocking chair for about 2 minutes. Then I laid him in his crib, kissed him good night, and left. Now, he's sleeping.

I wish you could feel all the good energy flowing around me. Sure, today was a little busier than I would like, I had to cart Jonas to the doctor's because I forgot to get a babysitter, and I had a lot of housework to get done (blech!). It's 7:40 now and I'm sitting reclined on the couch watching HGTV. Maybe I'll have some ice cream, and hopefully my dear husband will be home from his meeting soon!

Thank you Jonas for being such a big boy! I am oozing relief at your willingness to accept changes to your routine.

Advice: From One Mother to Another

2009-11-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

Today I was out with my son Jonas when I got a little advice, unsolicited of course. The weather in So Cal during the months of October and November is often very wishy washy. In other words, one day it will be rather cool, than the next it's hot again. But, the evenings and mornings are always pretty cool during this time. So, when I prepared to go out this morning I put Jonas in pants and a long sleeve shirt. When we got to our destination, someone held him and said he felt a little warm. A mother standing by looked at him and said, "It's probably because he has long sleeves on. It's actually hot today, it was cool yesterday, you know?" In other words she was telling me that my son was inappropriately dressed.

Hello! I'm truly not an idiot. He's got bare feet and the shirt is a thin cotton shirt, he's fine. Truth of the matter is, he had a little fever. That's why he was warm.

I don't think she was trying to be mean or condescending, but that's the way it came across. I was not offended, but it got me to thinking about when we give advice to other mothers. We should always be very careful. I think it's generally a good idea for us to save our advice for those who ask. And, come on Moms, let's encourage each other!

There you have it, my unsolicited advice! It's okay though because I'm not telling any one person in particular. Right? :)

Lessons Learned

2009-11-04T10:59:00.000-08:00

I've learned two valuable lessons so far this week (and it's only Wednesday morning). I suppose the second lesson I already knew about, I just got a good reminder.

#1: On Monday Jonas had an appointment to get the second dose of the flu shot. They always give you a form to fill out and sign whenever your child is getting a vaccination or immunization shot. I was filling that out and the nurse was in the room waiting for me to finish, so I asked her if they had any of the H1N1 vaccination in yet and if it was recommended for Jonas or not. She looked at me funny and said, "Isn't that what he's getting today?" No! He needs the second dose of the regular flu vaccine. Oh my, literally, crisis averted. Sure, it probably would have been a minor crisis, but still. Wow, it's amazing what miscommunication between doctors and nurses can cause. After 20 minutes of discussions with Jonas' pediatrician's office (for some reason they had us in the doctor's office down the hall instead of the pediatrician's), we got everything worked out. They did not try to give Jonas the second dose of the H1N1 nasal vaccine, which by the way, you cannot give to a 10 month old anyway. They can't sniff when you tell them to! He got the second dose of the regular flu vaccine in a shot in his thigh - like he was supposed to. He also got a sticker, because babies like stickers - to try an eat.

Lesson learned: From now on, if Jonas is getting any sort of medicine or shot administered and the doctor or nurse does not tell me exactly what they have and what they are doing, I will be getting a verbal clarification before I allow them to give him anything.

#2: Jonas loves anything from my bathroom. Why? Who knows! So, I've gone through some of the bins in my bathroom and pulled out things that were harmless for him to have and put them in a basket in the living room for him to play with. One of those items included an old (EMPTY and rinsed out) bottle of ibuprofen. He was sitting on the kitchen floor playing with it yesterday when I heard this pop. He got the child proof lid off of it. I know people always say that child proof isn't really child proof - it just delays them. Well, it's the truth and I saw it in action. My medicines are already locked up, but I did go through all of my purses to make sure that there were no medications in any of those.

Lesson learned: Child proof really does only mean it will delay a child. Children are crafty and you have to keep an eye on them. LOCK UP ALL OF YOUR MEDICINES!! Don't just put them somewhere you think they won't find them or somewhere you don't think they can reach. It's that easy to avoid your child getting poisoned with your medications.

Baby Food: Homemade vs. Storebought

2009-10-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

I am going to post a link to my family's blog since I already wrote about making baby food there. So, check out what I had to say then.
Baby Food 1
Baby Food 2

Okay, good, now that you've read those. Let me give you an update. I haven't made my own baby food since the end of August. I know, I know, I was all hyped up on making my own baby food. I did cost comparisons. So, what happened? Well, it was really a combination of things. First, I found that I could buy fruit baby food from Sam's at pretty much the same price I could make it. So, I started only making my own veggies at that time. Then, I agreed to be the assistant coach for both the JV and Varsity girls' volleyball teams at ACA. Time consuming! Finally, Jonas is afraid of the food processor (and will not sleep through me using it either), so I could only make food when Nate was home to make sure he was alright. Since I was already only making veggies and it was taking up our entire weekend making food, I decided that as long as it was volleyball season, I was going to just go ahead and buy the veggies as well. I only buy the food when it's on sale, which means I'm constantly checking between a few stores and really stocking up when there's a good sale.

Would I attempt making my own baby food again? Sure. Just not with this baby. By the time volleyball season is over he'll be well on his way to finger foods and only having a little of the purees. I think I would also invest in a better food processor. Mine worked, but it was little and only powerful enough to do a little a time. I've been thinking about getting a better one anyway so that I can make my homemade salsa more easily.

That is just the story of one mom who fell off the bandwagon with making her own baby food.

Baby Books: My Love Hate Relationship with Them

2009-10-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

Alas, I am here and ready to talk about why I love, and, why I hate baby books so much. First of all, I should point out that while I really like to get information from the internet (reliable sources of course!), there's just something great about having a hard copy of information to open, day or night, without needing the computer up and running. Secondly, it's not just baby stuff I look up online, or try to find books about, it's EVERYTHING. I crave as much knowledge as possible on anything that is a part of my life - including the hours of research I have done to figure out how to replace the broken side mirror on our car (which is still not fixed I should add). :)

So, I love books. This is a love a share with Nate, who actually probably loves them more. So, when we found out I was pregnant he had no problem with our trips to the bookstore to browse and even buy some baby books.

I now own 6 books and have a borrowed copy of another. And here's what I've learned: these books are great for ideas and advice, but they are not great for telling you how to raise your child. I found a book whose philosophy seemed wonderful and I was convinced I was going to use it till I realized that this child I had was a real live child, a living breathing human being who the author of this book had never met and did not know in the slightest. That was when I realized that for myself that when it comes to having children, there are certain needs they have that we must meet and certain things we must and must not do. But, for the most part, we have to raise and take care of our children in a way that suits our family. You cannot change who you are just because you have a child, you just have to do things your way!

Below you will find a list of all the books I own and a review of them. I hope that from these reviews you will be inspired to check out some and, perhaps, disregard others. :) Enjoy!

The Baby Name Wizard by Laura Wattenberg

Fun, fun, fun book! Honestly though, what baby naming book isn't? What makes this book unique? Glad you asked. It may not have as many names as some of the more common books, but there are still plenty! What it does have names put into categories like "Porch Sitters" (ex: Laverne and Roscoe), "Why Not?" (ex: Daria and Garreth), and "Fanciful" (ex: Armani and Caspian). But, never fear, there are more classic names in there as well. We actually got our son's name, Jonas out this book (classified in the "Antique Charm" and "Biblical" categories. Another neat feature ... it has suggestions for sibling names. I'm not sure we'll be using any of the suggestions based on Jonas, but it's fun and interesting to say the least. I would recommend this to someone who was already planning on buying a baby name book. If you're not sure, just borrow a friend's. I'm sure someone has a baby name book. Want to know sibling suggestions based on your child's name? Let me know, I'll check it out for you!

Your Developing Baby: Conception to Birth by Peter M. Doubilet, MD, PhD and Carol B. Benson, MD (Wow!)

This is a really neat book. It is pretty much a glorified picture book. I looked at it SEVERAL times throughout my pregnancy, particularly when our first ultrasound was "abnormal." That's right, I tried to compare pictures of our first ultrasound to examples in the book. I thought they looked normal, and I was right! :) This book is really neat, but I probably wouldn't buy it again. I wish it had an ultrasound picture of every stage, but it does not. My recommendation, get some Starbuck's (if you're into that kind of thing), go to Barnes and Noble, grab a comfy chair and breeze through it, then return it to the shelf. It's about 180 pages, but most of those are pictures and every three paragraphs or so there is a heading telling you exactly what each little section is going to be about, so you can easily scan it in an hour or less.

Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth part of The Boston Women's Health Book Collective

My favorite pregnancy read by far - better than the ever popular What to Expect When you are Expecting! It wasn't advocated all natural hard core, but it certainly leaned in that direction. What I liked is that even though it leaned toward an all natural birth philosophy, it still gave you all the other information. This book really had it all and I will probably go through it all again when/if we have another child. It covered how to choose a health provider (highlighting differences between midwives, OBs, etc.), stages of pregnancy/development (of course), sex and relationships (they definitely change, especially in the later stages!), labor and birth (including techniques of coping with labor), and the things that come after the baby is born. Want a book in your library to read while you're pregnant. In my opinion, this is the one!

New Baby Care by Dr. Miriam Stoppard

This book has the subtitle of "A practical guide to the first three years." It has 343 pages. Essentially, there are 16 chapters covering various topics (such as clothing, feeding, social behavior, playing, etc.). In each of these chapters the information is broken down into 2 age categories: Birth to 1 Year and 1 to 3 Years. The information is surprisingly specific and really covers a lot. This is not a book that I have read from cover to cover, nor do I intend to. It is a good a resource to have on hand though since it covers simple things (perfect for the nervous new mom) and things like poisoning and medication (the stuff that every mom should have on hand). I think it is a pretty good book. I would not specifically recommend it over any others like it because I do not know too much about other books out there like it. What I do know is that I bought it before receiving my shipment from First 5 California - a program that I believe the state runs along with several county commissions. In that shipment was a book very similar to it. Oh well, maybe I'll give one of them away as a gift, perhaps to someone who will not be receiving The First Five.

If you live in CA and want stuff from First 5 California, it's completely free. All you have to do is call this number: 1-800-KIDS-025 and ask for the Kit for New Parents. If you want to learn more about First 5 California, visit their website.

What to Expect the First Year by Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi E. Murkoff, and Sandee E. Hathaway, B.S.N.

On the front cover it says, "The comprehensive month-by-month guide that clearly explains everything parents need to know about the first year with a new baby."

I've rarely opened it. Just like What to Expect When You're Expecting, I find it slightly irritating and really unorganized. I'm not a fan of the format including questions from moms. I feel like the questions are often quite weird and maybe even a little insulting to my intelligence. With all of that being said, I like books that are informative and really well organized, and well, like a text book might be. I guess I still like learning from the books like I did in college.

I know that MANY people love the books in this collection. Maybe that's why I don't. I'm just one of those people that you cannot highly praise anything to. I'm easily disappointed then. If you think something is the greatest, hand it to me and say, "You might like this." Then, maybe, I will. :) And, honestly, since I borrowed this one, I might borrow the toddler edition too. You never know, I might enjoy that one.

Baby's First Year by Sandy Jones and Marcie Jones with Michael Crocetti, MD, FAAP

Hmm, where to start? Jonas was born during basketball season which meant that he spent a lot of time sleeping in his car seat as we drove around Southern California to games. I often brought this book with me to read in the car; it seemed like the perfect time to learn a little about what we were dealing with and what was in store. I liked it, I enjoyed it, and I still reference it now. It has both fun facts and serious facts. It has EVERYTHING. It even covers baby gear, traveling, how to save money, how to survive life with a child, and much more. One of my favorite things, a clear description and picture of teeth. Jonas has been a super teether, in other words, he doesn't mind it too much. So, it's actually been kind of fun to watch them pop through and to look at the chart and see which ones might be coming next.

I really like this book, all 626 pages of it, including the "Parents' Dictionary" located at the end of the book. :) For me, it's been worth the $14.95 I spent on it.

The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems by Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau

Or creates new ones! Okay, before you think that I despise the author and the book, let me explain to you the place I was when I first started attempting this one. Jonas was about 3 months old and would only nap in a swing (thank you Smith and McClure families for our awesome swing!) and I felt like that wasn't very practical. On top of that, he wouldn't keep any sort of sleep routine and certainly wasn't sleeping through the night. I browsed this book in Barnes and Noble and decided to get it because I liked the author's approach to sleep problems, etc. Okay, I feel like another explanation is needed here too. I have no moral qualms about letting a child cry it out as long as it's being done lovingly and within reasonable bounds, but I'm not good at it. I couldn't take Jonas crying for more than 5 minutes. And, his pediatrician told me that I didn't really need to try that tactic till he was 6 months old, mostly because most babies just kind of fall into a better routine on their own before that age and that I might be able to avoid it. And, I was!

But, back to the book. :) This book makes raising a baby very black and white, and in my opinion, considers only the baby and not the parents at all. I will argue wholeheartedly that you have to be willing to make adjustments when you decide to have a child, but to change everything about you - boo! I think that in raising a baby and dealing with sleep issues, etc. the baby and the parents need to be taken into consideration. Sure, adjustments need to be made for the baby, but the baby needs to learn to fit into the family as it is as well. Aren't babies supposed to learn the most in like the first five years? Maybe we should let them learn right away how to be part of a family instead of having the world revolve around them. (Although I am certainly guilty of allowing much of my world to revolve around Jonas right now. :)).

The book does definitely have some great things to it. It uses the acronym E.A.S.Y. to help you create a schedule for you and your baby. The E stands for eat, A for activity, S for sleep, and Y for you. Basically, the schedule is: Eat, Activity (play), Sleep/You (when the baby is sleeping it's time for you). I did use this to create a schedule for Jonas, one which we still operate off of. Obviously things get tweaked as they get older and taker fewer naps, but it's still basically the same idea. This worked well for us, and I do recommend this for moms who may be struggling with coming up with a schedule.

The book also has some CRAZY ideas in it. One of them, and granted this is in "extreme" situations, is to sleep in your baby's crib with them! What?? This is a suggestion for when you've broken your baby's trust in you. Read the book for yourself and make your own judgments I guess.

Things to be careful about: absolutes. This book uses a lot of absolutes, particularly in reference to what you should or should not be doing with a baby at a certain age. Many of these absolutes made me feel very depressed and like I was failing miserably as a mother. Guess what. I wasn't. Guess what else, I am still "off" on some of the age limits for certain things. Who cares! Ask anybody who sees Jonas on a regular basis, he is a well-adjusted 10 month old meeting all the milestones he should. He is not spoiled and he is very easy.

What did I learn from this book? This is THE book that taught me to be careful about comparing Jonas to other babies and to be careful about assuming that one thing will work for every baby and every parent. I know the author believes that her philosophy will work for every baby no matter what the baby's personality or temperament may be, but I strong disagree, especially when you actually take the parents' personalities into account as well.

My suggestion, skim the book in a book store, see for yourself. Have specific questions, ask me.

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I know this post was long, but it was supposed to be informative, right? I also know that it may seem a little poorly written, and you're correct. I was in a hurry. I promise my best on the next topic/review! Thank you for taking the time to read about what one mom thinks about baby books.

MIA

2009-10-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

Remember when I said a week and a half ago that I would write about baby books? Ha, ha, ha! I really thought I would. I didn't say that knowing in the back of my head it would never happened.

My intention is to use some time tonight, while Nate is grading, to really work on the post about baby books. I have the best of intentions ...

My apologies for being missing in action for nearly 2 weeks. Occasionally life demands more of us than we can handle easily and then we have to make decisions on what to give up. So, when Nate's parents came into town, the volleyball season continued, and my wisdom teeth needed to be pulled, I gave up blogging for a time. Frankly, things have been so busy and so exhausting that the last couple of weeks that it's starting to take a toll on my relationship with my husband. We talked last night about how short we've been with each other. We talked about how we needed a little time with just the two of us and then I went to sleep wondering when were we ever going to be able to find time to do this.

This afternoon as I sit here writing this (as quickly as possible), I am wondering ... how do you nurture your relationship with your husband when you don't have a lot of time to do anything? Any suggestions for 2 people have never really been good at doing little romantic things for each other? I could really use some ideas. :)

And the Results Are In

2009-10-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

After a disappointing 2 votes (but thank you to those 2 who did vote!), it was a tie between Books About Babies and Diapering. So, I'm flipping a coin. Heads it's Books, tails it's Diapering. (Speaking of diapering, Jonas is ripping all the diapers out of his diaper bag as I type).

Okay, I am using a 2004 nickel (that's what's in the wallet folks).

It's up ... Jonas is chasing after it ... it's HEADS.

I will begin compiling my thoughts on all of the books I've read, and some I haven't, and work on a post that will knock your socks off. My goal will be to have it in by the end of the week, but the in laws are coming in on Thursday and my life and my home are a mess and we all know what that means. Wish me luck!

So Much to Talk About

2009-10-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

Since I decided to start this blog and committed to writing something that would be worthwhile for other moms to read, I have had all kinds of topics running through my mind. Problem is, I'm not sure where to start. I feel overwhelmed. I've been trying to decide all week.

So, help me decide.

The Perfect Storm

2009-09-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

One of many, I'm sure.

This weekend was a disaster! My poor husband, Nate, was really sick and of absolutely no help to me. Worse than that, he was like another child. I had to remind him to take something every 4 hours to keep the fever down. Drink water to stay hydrated. I had to take care of him.

So, I guess that a lot of men are like this when they're sick. Is this true?

I had to handle every aspect of Jonas' care this weekend. I did not get a break. I need breaks. I am definitely not a perfect mother and sometimes my boy wears me out and I need a little refreshing. I usually get that on the weekends when Nate has a lot more time to take care of some of Jonas' basic needs.

Needless to say, I was not refreshed this weekend. And now, I face a challenging week. I am more tired than usual. Jonas is now sick. He's been running a low grade fever and has a cough. Did he catch it from his Daddy? Probably. He has his 9 month appointment tomorrow morning, so I guess I am going to just double dip on the doctor. Is that bad?

Manual Please!

2009-09-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

I know that's a thought that has been had by generations and generations of mothers, but there's a reason why. Babies are hard to take care of sometimes - especially first babies!

When I was at the end of my pregnancy I knew, or at least I read, EVERYTHING about the birth process, about labor, about contractions, about coping, about my options, etc, etc. I even went to the birth class at Redlands Community Hospital where I would be having the baby.

Then on December 26, my water broke and 18 hours later (on December 27) Jonas was born. Things went alright. I'm sure there are women out there who say they enjoy giving birth, but I don't really believe them. All I know is that while it took me a few months to get over it, I am now.

We took Jonas home and had help for a couple of days from my family. Then, it was just us. I knew what Jonas' needs were. But meeting them could be a real challenge some days - some months really. :)

Nine months later and I feel like I've finally gotten this mom thing down. What I mean by that is that I've realized that things may never go as planned when you're raising a child and you just have to deal with each day as it comes and enjoy each day as it comes.

This is my journey, shared by many other women, but done my way.